I wake up at 4am, thirsty and restless. I have had a horrible dream last night, all involving terrible things happening to people. I try to get back to sleep and cannot. After tossing and turning for some time, I give up, give in and brew some coffee. The gym in this ultra posh service apartment is closed. I take myself outside to the little garden and try to clear my head.
I miss my little girl. She is now midway through her third year. She can be bratty, unreasonable, difficult. Since she is an only child, she also has a bit of a temper, and can be a bit priceless at times. If denied, she has a way of sticking her hands into her coat pocket, turning her face away from us towards the nearest wall. "I dont want anything" she will say. "I dont want appa, I dont want Amma, I dont want to go to school, I dont want to go home...". And so on. My reaction is to pick her up and quickly change the subject. "Look at this car". Or a story about what happened somewhere, or about her cousins. And then she is ok.
When she is asleep, I often lie down next to her in the dark, looking at her baby face set in sleep, eyes closed. There is often a gentle snore. She licks her lips or her face moves in a dream. Her palms are folded together, and tucked under her cheek. Her legs are akimbo. Her soft cotton nightie is all scrunched up. I look at her with wonder. What have we created, I ask myself. And how lucky I am..
Before going to bed she now has to read herself, helped by either her mum or her dad. Until a few months ago we did the reading. SInce they were books she had read before, I would often find myself nodding off to sleep. She would be in bed, sitting next to me, my left arm around her and her tiny little body jammed up against my side. I can see her little rounded back and her pretty head of tousled black hair. And her little finger jabs at the page and she says in Tamil "Read, read"...And if she finds her very old man of a dad falling off, there is a scream of protest in Tamil, looking in shock..."Dont Sleep Appa, Read".
And so I read, kissing her hair all the while....
I cannot write anymore. Mothers talk about their feelings for their children. I thought I should tell somebody that I miss my family so much it aches. What kind of life have I condemned myself to? At an age when men are consolidating their material gains and looking at a life when the benefits of an empty nest become visible, I have chosen to start a family, quit my job, begin a new and risky business that keeps me away from home, and the commute is not an hour - it is 11 hours each way.
I must be the stupidest bastard on earth.
The day Table Tennis died
2 years ago
5 comments:
Ravi
I am a mother of a three year old. and i see his father connect to him just like the way you do.
I am not gonna write some words of empathy or "I understand" here as it seldom helps. I also am not gonna tell you that life is full of choices and you should see bliss in the choice which you have made and end of the day, it is for the benefit of your family that you are doing this coz i dont believe in such sentences myself.
We all need to acknowledge that irrespective of whatever way life turns out to be, with our family, without our family, with parents, without parents.... there are gonna be some satisfying and some depressing moments coz thats the pre-determined formula cosmically driven.
Every time i go through a depressing moment like this, i do exactly what you did, first blog out something, that clears the mind a bit. Feel a little sad about the situation and then acknowledge that this is what it is.
Life gives occassions for one to play different roles. when those occassions come when you play the father to your kid, give your best... and when in those occassions where you are not able to be with her and are onto something else.. give your best to that something else also coz you are praying a heavy price for that something else to work and the price should not go waste
and then, there is no right or wrong way. no person is stupid, no person is incorrect, every person is on a journey and has to travel this journey come what may.
I am sorry, i did not want to get into an advisory mode. i apologise if get inappropriate for your current state of mind.
No you are not. You are the finest warmest and a most wonderful person.
Dear Sandhya - I feel so much better reading a mother's comments, and I admire the fact that you reached out to a perfect stranger. I just felt like screaming, and I am glad that somelike like you listened. I agonize over whether I am spending the time away from my family in the best possible way. And my wife insists that I have some fun, get some relaxation, and have some down time even though she knows how I think. Families are wonderful. And thanks ever so much for your kind words of comfort.
Dear Ramesh - you are biased. Period. :) :)
Ravi,
I am an army man's daughter. When we were growing up we saw him lets say for 3 months in a year in bits and pieces. He dotes on his daughter and his son. And we have no complaints against him for staying away. I know there is nothing you can do about it now, but as my dad's baby, I can tell you, your daughter will stand by you for whatever you chose to do. More importantly, for the dad that you are, I am sure she'll love you!
Cheers,
Deepa.
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